Ileana D’Cruz suffered from depression some time ago and takes a while to gather her thoughts while talking on the subject. But talk she did consider depression is too important a topic to run away from in today’s world. She was doing big films like ‘Main Tera Hero’ and ‘Happy Ending’ but wasn’t joyful about the liberty she was in. “Maybe, I put a lot of pressure on myself. I remember having a talk with my agency. They told me, ‘You’re doing a Balaji film and a project with Illuminati Films. How can you say you are not doing enough?’ But I just wasn’t happy. I couldn’t find a single reason to be happy. I believed everyone else was doing a better job. You can’t really explain the feeling. But someone else who has experienced it would relate to me,” she explains.

She spoke about the topic during the World Mental Health Conclave, in Delhi, and was thankful to find women who understood what she was going through. She also strong-willed to open up to her boyfriend, Andrew Kneebone. He was her pillar of strength through the dark phase. “I was pushing people away from me and I wasn’t aware of it. Andrew told me that you have all signs of depression. You need to get yourself checked. I had this stupid mindset: how could I possibly have depression?” She consulted a psychologist to prove him wrong, but the diagnosis was depression.

In this phase, she felt unappealing and dreaded going to the gym, fearing people would judge her. She was 10 kilos lighter than she is now but still felt the need to shed more. She used to work out all the time. Her psychotherapist urged her not to bottle up emotions and open up to people who love her, and she says she’s grateful for Andrew for being with her. “I had someone like Andrew with me, who understood when I needed space, and when I needed to be consoled. It’s rare to come across people like him because depression is not an easy thing to deal with.”

One of the exercises recommended by the doctor to her was to stand in front of the mirror every morning, and say, ‘I love myself’, “I told them I can’t do that. I hate seeing pictures of myself. I’ll find 10 things to a fault. I hate seeing my shots,” she says, adding, “I have my weak moments but I’m stronger now.” D’Cruz says talking about gloominess in public is a sort of a flushing out process. It helps others to come to terms with it. “I don’t know my reach as an actor. But if I can talk about it and help people, that’s a good quality thing. Depression is a big difficulty in India.

It’s an affecting thing to talk about. Last time I spoke about it in Delhi I broke down on stage, She says softly, “Apart from Andrew and her mother, her manager, Nimisha, was a big help as well. She’s seen me at my worst. I’d make frantic calls to her and say I can’t do this, I can’t get out of bed, I can’t leave the room, I’m in no state to handle people and questions. She pulled me through all that.”

proficiently, the last year was fine for the actor, with the Bollywood films ‘Mubarakan’ and ‘Baadshaho’. But she isn’t fulfilled. She wants to do more work but at the same time also wants to spend time with her family. “Ajay (Devgn) and I were having this conversation, where he said he too wants to spend more time with his family. I could relate to that. I want to take off for a month to spend time with my family,” she smiles adding, “I’m just trying to take each day as it comes…”

she said “I was pushing people away from me and I wasn’t aware of it. Andrew told me that you have all signs of depression. You need to get yourself checked. I had this stupid mindset: how could I possibly have depression?”